Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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