Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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