if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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