God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
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