Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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