All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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