Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
