I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
