News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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