Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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