If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Randomize
