Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day â¤ï¸
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
