You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize