I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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