There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
