is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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