summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Every concussion has its silver lining
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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