did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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