I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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