How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
