You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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