i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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