so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
