the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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