so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
