I smell stomach acid.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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