it hurts more in the daytime
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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