my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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