the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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