you would pick up someone in the library
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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