Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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