My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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