i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize