i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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