He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
