woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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