I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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