I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
