If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize