my room smells like sperm. sweet.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
