Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize