Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
