Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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