Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
