I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize