i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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