My friends, they love my intelligence
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
