i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
