Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
