Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Randomize
