Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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