all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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