You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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