Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize