You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
