I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
it's like iHOP with fire
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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