Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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