Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
