It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
