I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
